Five Keys to Supporting a Loved One with an Eating Disorder
Feeling concerned about a loved one possibly struggling with an eating disorder can be daunting and overwhelming. The fact that you want to step up and support your partner, child, friend, or family member through this challenging time, is more valuable than anything right now. While it's normal to feel uncertain about how to proceed, seeking information and tools is the right first step. Having a supportive network around someone on the path to eating disorder recovery is crucial.
Before reaching out to offer your support, it's essential to educate yourself on what an eating disorder entails and the signs and symptoms you might observe. Understanding the facts will empower you to express your concerns confidently and approach the conversation with compassion and empathy.
Dealing with eating disorders can be a lonely journey, and your willingness to engage in difficult conversations with love is a valuable gift to your loved one. Although everyone is different and will need different things, these five tips will guide you in addressing disordered eating with care and effectiveness. They'll lead you from initiating the initial conversation to supporting them to access medical, therapeutic, or nutritional support, and supporting them throughout their recovery journey. Remember, early intervention significantly improves recovery outcomes so it is important to encourage them to seek treatment.
Here are 5 Keys to Supporting a Loved One with an Eating Disorder
Key 1 - Listen First
Ask your loved one how they are feeling and what they are thinking, rather than making assumptions. When you ask your loved one how they're feeling and what they're thinking, you're opening up a direct line of communication that creates an environment of trust and understanding. By avoiding assumptions, you create space for them to express themselves freely without feeling judged or misunderstood. This approach shows them your genuine concern for their well-being and validates their internal experience. Eating disorders are often symptoms of something deeper, so by actively listening to their responses, you gain valuable insights into their emotional state and mindset, which can inform how you offer support.
Key 2 - Change up the Language
Avoid talking about weight, shape, food, and diets when your loved one is present, and model a healthy, balanced approach to your own eating and exercise. Discussions about weight, diet or body size and shape can trigger the eating disorder to compare or criticise things that aren’t “perfect” or “ideal” in the eye of the disorder. By reframing from comments or engaging in such conversations, you are showing you acknowledge these are sensitive topics and you recognise that they are potential triggers. By creating an environment free from weight-centric or appearance-focused conversations, you shift the focus away from external factors of worth and value. Instead, you promote the idea that self-worth is not determined by size, shape, or adherence to societal beauty standards; that a person’s character is far more important. Likewise, you can model balance, flexibility, self-care and intuitive eating with your own diet.
Key 3 - Externalise the Eating Disorder
Externalising the eating disorder means separating the eating disorder from the individual. This is a powerful tool, as it removes blame and reduces the chances of the person feeling attacked or criticised. Using this type of language can empower the individual to challenge the eating disorder, as opposed to changing them as a person. It can help them to recognise that the thoughts are not their own, but it is the eating disorder that is trying to take control of their lives.
Here are some examples:
"What did the eating disorder tell you that made you feel unable to eat that snack?"
"How did the eating disorder make you feel while you were eating that?”
“What was the eating disorder saying to you while you ate that meal?”
"How does the eating disorder influence how you view yourself?"
Initially, it may be difficult for your loved one to see themselves separate from the eating disorder. If that is the case, discuss this with a professional who can help with the process of externalisation.
Key 4 - Ask how you can Support them
Ask your loved one about ways you can offer support - for instance, assisting them in maintaining regular eating habits, establishing boundaries around meal times, or providing a space to express their emotions freely without judgement. Your loved one might express a desire to be left alone or believe there's nothing you can do to help. In such instances, it can be beneficial to reassure them that you acknowledge their distress and the challenges they're facing, and that you're available whenever they need you. However, it is important to keep checking in and to remind them that recovery is possible. Sometimes it can be helpful to not talk about the eating disorder, but to do fun activities together to show them that you still value who they are.
Key 5 - Seek Expert Help
Supporting someone with an eating disorder can affect your own mental and physical health so it is important to look after yourself. You don’t have to do it alone. Getting the right help early on significantly improves chances of recovery. The thought of getting help and finding the right person can be daunting. Moreover, people with an eating disorder may not want to get help due to fears, such as gaining weight or losing control of their diet. Doing some research ahead of time and coming up with a plan, such as questions they want to ask, can help to reduce these anxieties, and they may want to bring another support person, such as a close friend or another family member. Be sure to seek your own support and counselling, as recovery is full of ups and downs. Create your own team of support people and take time to rest, reflect on the victories and find ways to ground yourself.
