Another year older - another year lived in food freedom and out of the grips of bulimia
This is me, having my birthday celebration at a restaurant, free from the distractions of children - and free from the eating disorder that once entrenched my life. Just like a New Years Resolution, I like to reflect on the past year as I gain another year of wisdom (hopefully) under my belt. And not a single year goes by, that I don’t reflect on how thankful I am to be free from “ED”.
What life was like with “ED”
“ED” was the name I gave my eating disorder. But if I had to give it a name now, it would be called “thief”. Life was not good. My external world seemed okay - I studied hard at school, had friends, played sports, had everything I needed in the physical sense. But my internal world was broken. I hated myself, criticised every part of my body, compared myself to every model, celebrity, sports person I knew, always falling short and never feeling good enough. “ED” would whisper daggers into my heart, knowing my vulnerable points and thriving off my misery and pain. The solution he gave me was to eat my forbidden foods because they made me feel better temporarily. They were usually carbohydrates and sugar, which scientifically makes sense as sugar has a dopamine response on your brain. So I binged to numb my pain, to forget about how insufficient I was. Then “ED” would come back again with his daggers; but this time, they would be more like a blunt butter knife being constantly thrusted at my mind, heart and the most inner being of my soul. Why a blunt butter knife this time? Because it hurts more than something sharp, that would just slice through you. The insults that came with these assaults would be - “You are disgusting”, “Look how fat you are”, “How could you keep all that food down”, and “Everyone is going to be so ashamed of you”. And over and over they would repeat in my head, like a broken record.
The torture didn’t stop there. “ED”, being my so-called friend and comforter in those days, would give me the “perfect” solution. To purge. And so I did. But then, after the purge, the blunt stabs of insults continued but this time, they were filled with hopelessness - “You will never get better”, “You are stuck with me forever”.
That was what life was like for me for 10 years. And I did all of that alone, in silence, in secret, hidden away from my world, behind a mask of “everything is fine”. To me, that was survival mode, my way of escaping from the constant feeling of not being good enough.
Even in the most hopeless situations, there is always a way through
I can say with all of my heart that for many years, I believed “ED” would be in my life one way or another, forever. I could not see my way out of what felt like was the most complex, messed up cobweb of insecurities, self-hatred and inadequacies that was spoken over me, which I then grew up to believe. I had asked for help at least 5 times - all of which lead me nowhere but to the road of more hopelessness and loneliness.
BUT I didn’t give up, because I knew there were greater promises for me and that one day I could use my story to help others. So I kept asking for help - and I found my therapist, who eventually walked me through 3 years of therapy that would be the starting point of my living testimony into food freedom.
Recovery wasn’t easy - in fact, it was by far one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life. I had to be vulnerable, try new things, sit with uncomfortable emotions, push myself out of my comfort zone, over and over and over again. Relapses were common but they got further and further apart, ‘fewer and far between’ as they say. They say time heals, but I believe it’s what you do in that time that heals.
Don’t give up because freedom is possible
So as I reflect this year on my birthday, I am thankful that I broke up with “ED” for good. That I can recognise his lies and whispers in my ears as he tries to pursue me again; that I can cut those out quickly and realign my thoughts with my values and vision of the life I want to pursue.
I am thankful that I don’t try to be perfect anymore and that I don’t even pretend that I am. I am thankful that the comparison trap no longer steals my joy because I don’t have time or space for that fruitless game in my life. That although I know I am inadequate in many areas - that it’s actually okay! To come to that place of acceptance has truly set me free in so many ways. It hasn’t been an easy journey and I haven’t arrived at my destination yet - but now the journey is one of freedom and grace, instead of punishment and shame. And that is what I am most thankful for.
If you are struggling with negative body image or disordered eating, please reach out to us for a free 20 minute consultation to see if Food Freedom Coach is right for you.
