3 Ways Freedom from Bulimia changed my Relationship with Exercise
If you’ve heard my story, you will know that when I first started dieting at the age of 13 years old, I used exercise excessively to burn calories and drop weight, even beyond my original “goal weight” (because that is what eating disorders do - you are never skinny enough or good enough). Excessive exercise can also be a way to “purge” after a binge as it is one of the compensatory behaviours listed in the DSM-5 for bulimia nervosa. With “wellness culture” constantly promoting perfectly toned bodies and endless exercise routines, all accessible 24/7 on our smartphones, it’s no surprise that many people struggle to develop a healthy relationship with their bodies and exercise. These ideals set unattainable and unsustainable goals for most of us, making it difficult to find balance. So in this blog, I want to share some of my personal learnings on how I developed a healthy relationship with my body and exercise. It is my hope that this blog will help you break free from this destructive pattern.
Exercise became self-care instead of punishment
When I was battling with bulimia, exercise was a constant tool of punishment. I would push myself to work out for hours just to compensate for eating "forbidden" foods, those I had labeled as "unhealthy" or "fattening." Even one bite or a few pieces of chocolate was enough to trigger the relentless, self-destructive behaviour of more and more exercise, all in the name of burning calories to achieve the “perfect” body. If I caved in to my cravings, which I know now was inevitable due to my severe restriction, the eating disorder voice in my head would demand that I punish myself with extra exercise. The focus was never on my well-being; it was about atoning for what I perceived as dietary sins.
Now, exercise is about self-care. I work out because I want to be strong and fit, to keep up with my kids, to run up hills without gasping for air, to prevent injuries, especially after having two knee surgeries, and to prioritise "me time” to decompress from the many demands of life. Exercise has become my way of releasing endorphins—a healthy substitute for the comfort I once sought in food. The scales are no longer a measure of my worth—I can't begin to express the immense sense of freedom this has brought into my life! Instead, I focus on how I feel physically and mentally, appreciating that I have a body capable of doing all these things. The shift from punishment to self-care has transformed my relationship with exercise into something sustainable and nourishing.
2. A Change in Values around Exercise
Freedom from bulimia has completely shifted my values around exercise. In the past, the goal was to be as skinny as possible, to see a specific number on the scales, or to achieve a certain look or body shape. My self-worth was tied to these external measures, and I exercised to chase an ideal that was never achievable or fulfilling.
Today, I value my body for what it can do rather than how it looks. I prioritise my mental health and use exercise as a way to care for myself. This means taking time out to decompress so that I can be the best version of me, especially as a mum and wife. Exercise helps me increase my capacity to support my children emotionally because I’ve taken the time to care for myself first. I've come to realise that self-care isn't an act of selfishness; it's an essential part of living a balanced life.
This shift in values has allowed me to set a healthy example for my children. I want them to understand that self-care is not only important but necessary. I want them to know it’s okay to say, "I need some time to myself," and that setting boundaries is a vital life skill. By prioritising my own well-being, I’m teaching them to do the same, showing them that they don’t have to push themselves to the brink to prove their worth. Instead, they can listen to their bodies, honour their needs, and live in a way that aligns with their values.
I often find that exercising gives me the mental space to plan and reflect on things that have been on my mind. It’s a time when creativity flows, and new ideas seem to come effortlessly. Maybe it’s the escape from the chaos of home, the solitude with my headphones on, or just having time to myself to think. Whatever the reason, I now cherish my exercise time as a moment for creativity and reflection. In contrast, when I was unwell, I would spend those moments obsessively counting steps, calculating calories, and listening to the harsh voice of the eating disorder, berating me with thoughts like, "Come on, you fat thing, move more, look at all that food you ate!”
3. Learning to Rest
One of the biggest changes in my approach to exercise has been learning to rest. In the past, I would push myself to exercise even when my body was exhausted or unwell, driven by guilt and the fear of gaining weight. Rest was not an option; it was seen as a weakness or failure. If for some reason, I didn’t live up to the eating disorder’s expectations of exercise on any particular day, I would compensate by restricting my food intake even more.
Now, I listen to my body. If I’m tired because I’m fighting a virus or had a bad sleep, I give myself permission to rest. I’ve learned that this rest doesn’t set me back; it actually makes me stronger. When I return to exercise after resting, I’m much more motivated, and my workouts are more effective because my body is ready for it. I no longer punish myself if I miss a day at the gym or feel the need to restrict my food intake because I didn’t work out. Experience and research have shown me that my body is way smarter than I ever gave it credit for. When I listen to it, my energy balance naturally falls into place, freeing up my mind and time for what truly matters—my values and the people I love.
For example, I recently injured my back and was told to rest for a week so that it can heal itself. Back when I was unwell with bulimia, I would have pushed through because the eating disorder voice would have not allowed me to rest. But this time round, I followed expert guidance, that resting would allow my body to heal naturally, whereas pushing through the pain could worsen my back, extend the recovery period, and potentially make the injury even more severe. The experts were right - I was back to normal after 2 weeks and I am so grateful I listened to their voice instead of the eating disorder’s voice.
Recovery takes time
In embracing a new perspective on exercise, I've discovered that true freedom comes from listening to my body, honouring my values, and prioritising self-care. Exercise is no longer a tool for punishment or a means to achieve an unrealistic thin ideal. Instead, it’s a way to strengthen my body, nourish my mind, set a good example of healthy boundaries for my children and care for my overall mental and physical well-being. This journey has taught me that recovery from an eating disorder isn’t about perfection—it’s about balance, compassion, and living in alignment with what truly matters. This transformation didn’t happen overnight - it took a lot of reflection, hard truths and accountability. But I can say with full assurance that fighting for freedom from an eating disorder is worth it because I have found a way to live that brings so much more peace, joy and freedom.
If you are struggling with an eating disorder or negative body image, please reach out to us at midi@foodfreedom.co.nz or by clicking on the link below to leave us a message. We offer a no obligation, free 20 minute phone consultation to see if coaching is right for you.
