Breaking the Binge Cycle: How I Overcame Binge Eating and Purging Patterns
I developed bulimia when I was 13 years old as a result of dieting and literally starving myself to obtain the “perfect” body. The funny thing is, even when I reached my goal weight, it wasn’t enough and I kept restricting, cutting my food intake down and increasing my exercise to lose even more weight. One year, later my body triumphed my self-control and strong will and I ended up binging because I was so hungry. The guilt and shame I felt afterwards was so overwhelming, I couldn’t bear the weight of it any more. That was when I learnt I could purge to get rid of the food and “start again”. I told myself this would be the only time, that somehow this would be an exception. Little did I know, it would be just the beginning of a long, horrendous 10 year battle with bulimia.
I went to therapy for 3 years after I graduated from a Masters in Nutrition at the age of 22 years old, because I could finally afford specialised treatment for the first time. That was the beginning of my healing journey, which took another couple of years after therapy.
One key skill I learnt through my years of recovery, was how to identify triggers that used to send me off into an automatic, out-of-control, dissociative and mindless binge. Following that, I learnt how to slow things down enough to identify my emotions that would be the underlying reason for a binge. I had to tolerate intense emotions and “ride the wave” until they passed. My main triggers were boredom, stress, relationship conflict and loneliness. I still use these skills today, when I feel overwhelmed with stress and anxiety, which presents itself commonly these days as a wife, mother of 3 young children and business owner.
Binging became such an automatic response that would happen within milliseconds, that I didn’t even know what I felt. I was totally numb. I would feel dissociated while I binged, escaping and running away from these feelings as they felt too difficult to manage. However, as I delayed the urges, put some distance between myself and the thoughts, allowed uncomfortable emotions to surface and just sat with them, I slowly rewired my brain to create new pathways towards freedom. Little by little, I learnt these uncomfortable emotions weren’t something to be afraid of - I didn’t have to avoid them or push them away. I could just let them be there and eventually, they would pass in their own time, without any struggle. I learnt healthier ways of coping, such as going for walks, journalling, texting a friend, reading my Bible, practicing thankfulness and listening to music.
Five Key Steps to Break the Binge-Purge Cycle
Here are some key steps for you to help break the cycle of binging, purging and restricting:
Observe your thoughts - what are they? Slow things down to bring them to your conscious. Put a timer on for 1 minute to start with and just sit to see what your brain is telling you and write them down. Are these your thoughts or the lies of the eating disorder?
Place some distance between you and the thought. You can do this by simply saying them out loud, and placing the words “I have a thought that…” in front of the thoughts. It’s the difference between saying, “I am useless”, VS “I have a thought that I am useless”.
Identify the underlying emotion. Is it stress, boredom, frustration, anxiousness?
Take action that is in line with your values. Try to figure out what you can do to meet that emotional need. For example, if you are tired and stressed, could you take a nap or have a bit of down-time for some self-care? What meaningful action can you take that will point you towards your goals, the type of person you want to be, towards where you want to go in life?
Practice mindful eating - engage ALL of your senses when eating, savouring each mouthful. What colours do you see, what can you smell, what are the textures like in your mouth, what does it feel like and what flavours can you taste?
Now having had work experience in mental health and invested in a lot of up-skilling and professional development in treatment models, I understand how these skills work that literally changed my life. I didn’t realise that back then, but in hindsight, that is exactly what I was doing and I now understand the value of all the skills and tools I learnt. These are always in my toolbox for when I need them, because life throws a lot of curve balls and can be full of uncertainty at times.
I love using these skills in my coaching sessions to set other people free from the bondages that I was once so intimately intertwined with. I know they work because I’ve been through the deepest valleys of an eating disorder myself. I’m not going to lie - recovery was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do in my life. But I know the freedom that awaits on the other side is worth the fight. Don’t give up!!
Find out more about Eating Disorder Coaching
If you would like to learn more about our coaching services, contact us at midi@foodfreedom.co.nz or send an inquiry through our contact page.
